Personal Best
I am grateful for who I am and the life I am leading.
My achievements and shortcomings are not tallied on a giant scorecard. But at times, I may become preoccupied with my personal goals and comparing myself to others. As I stop judging and start appreciating my efforts, the burden of incessant striving falls away.
When I see myself as God sees me, I am whole and perfect. I adopt this point of view, and I am released from the grip of my ego. I know that I am doing and being my best. By choosing to focus on all that is delightful, my life suddenly seems easier. I am moving forward rather than holding myself back. I am creating the life I desire, becoming more aware of my blessings and living in joy.
If then your whole body is full of light, with no part of it in darkness, it will be as full of light as when a lamp gives you light with its rays.--Luke 11:36
Health Reform
Now do you remember how Dr Jekyll would turn into the evil Mr Hyde when he took a certain medication. I have the opposite problem, I turn into Utter Bastard when I don't take certain medications. I turn into this angry, falling to pieces suicidal scumbucket. I am dependent (addicted) to anti-depressants and anti anxiety meds. In withdrawal I have threatend my loving and patient wife Shari with a baseball bat and a knive. I've tried to throw a chair through my car's windshield and other assorted bizarre behavior. Fortunately, my son Aidan has been around to make sure no one gets hurts during these episodes.
I ran out of Paxil last Wednesday. I had called my psychiatrist on Monday last week to make an appointment for more meds, we do it every 90 days and it takes 5 minutes to write a script that insurance pays for. SOB's on vacation until December and it will cost me $75 to get a script that insurance won't pay for. WTF?. I want to go down and meet psychiatrist with a baseball bat. Of course I take my anger and frustration out on poor Roxanne, the receptionist who's been through this with me before. With her advice I call my reliable GP tell him the story and he writes me a script. Just come in and pick it up which I can't do because my car is in the shop. So finally on Wednesday Shari's birthday I have taken my last half of a Paxil tab, but I'm starting my descent into utter Bastard. I get my car back and all is well. I go to my doc's to pick the script. Its in a sealed envelope with my name on it. I stuff it in my pocket, haul it out at the pharmacy. Wait 45 minutes for them to fill it. I'm handed a bottle of antibiotics, Cipro.Now of all the days of the year I pick my loving and patient wife Shari's birthday to have a colonscopy and run out of Paxil.. But I need the Paxil before descent into Utter Bastard is complete. Cancel the colonoscopy I've been waiting for, for 3 months. The song playing in my head is the old Molly Hatchett tune Flirtin With Disaster. Rush back to pharmacy get the damn right script filled this time. Disaster averted, utter bastard retreats to the recesses of his(my) broken mind. For now. Lessons learned: Get the freakin script filled early. Make the next appt while your at one. Be nice to Roxanne. Get colonoscopy in December. Duh.
Aw, Tag, you're having a tough time of it. But you ultimately landed upright. I have an unrealistic wish that every part of my personal business flow correctly, without hiccups, without me having to bird-dog every little element of it. You can imagine I suffer a great deal of frustration from that, since it seems that lots of things just don't go as they should. By the way, my medication hijinks result from the ingestion of Vicodin for pain. Whenever it is prescribed and I've taken it for a couple of days, I become as mean as a snake. I actually can feel my face turn frowny and I become so hateful with my words that I usually bite the bullet and ride out whatever the painful event is, just so I won't be mean to those around me.
ReplyDeletewould i be out of line to suggest another lesson? as in, please don't beat yourself up. you handled all this stuff, with as much grace as was available. good on ya, mate!
ReplyDeletemy favorite bumpersticker: shit happens. i always want to add, sometimes it happens all at once.
As you say SOMH; Shit happens, sometimes all at once. This was a good day. Even though it was slightly out of control for a while we got through it. Intact and standing on our feet. Most importantly Shari had a good day. Limes, I have the same wishes. Normally I can just go with whatever is happening. But I am medicated which I hate, but I hate more the out of control frustration and anger when I'm not on them.
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