"Hi! I was feeling a bit lonely, saw you in here by yourself, so here I am".
"Hi Bev, I was feeling a bit lonely too. Ripple! I'm honored".
"Shut up! its the only thing I could afford, you want it or not".
"Well, what the hell, a pretty girl, a bottle of wine and just the two of us". I had no reason to resist fate.It had been a strange two weeks. I thought "Why not end it on a great note".
"C'mon in Bev, "I was just packing up my stuff, getting ready to go home"
"You can't leave, you just got here." She said
"Yeah, well Denton's nice. I like it here but LA's home". I was anxious to get back, though nothing seemed to be coming together for me in LA. No job yet but I was really looking more toward going to school than working. I had registered at El Camino, but had no idea what I wanted from school. So nothing was definite and I know my parents were tired of my presence. I had about worn out my welcome.
Beverly sang Neil Diamond misquoted at me.
"LA's fine but it ain't home no more". I sang the rest, "I am I said, I am said I, I am lost and I cant even say why"
There was some truth there.. After my first enlistment was up, I had stopped by Denton to see my friend Michael who had gotten out a couple of months before me. I spent a week or two in Denton before getting back on the road to Los Angeles. Motivated by something unknown, I had left all my belongings except for my guitar and some clothes with Mike and his girlfriend Kaylen. Either I had to come back or I had to abandon it all. I was waiting for something. I just didn't know what.
A few months later me and Steve Quijano were supposed to get together and drive back to Denton to pick up my stuff. Steve was going along for the ride. On a Friday morning I knocked at Steve's door. His brother told me he wasn't going to go. "That's cool" I thought, I wasn't really sure I wanted him in the first place. He had been acting erratically for a few weeks. I didn't need the hassle. More fate. Got to Denton with my car only breaking down once. Mike said he had a ticket To Pink Floyd for me so I would have to stay a week. Kaylen was in the hospital for something not too serious. So I stayed in Denton, but only for a week. Pink Floyd Was awesome especially with the blotter I dropped before the show. Mike was with Kaylen most nights. I was left alone until Bev showed up with the Ripple.
Bev and I and chatted a little drank a bit of wine, smoked a bit of dope. She went through my record collection and pulled out a few favorites. We found we had much in common.
"So why are you alone tonight?" I asked.
"Bruce and I had a big fight last night" I feel like he's smothering me, he wants to control everything I do together and I don't have a say"
"She was a Green Eyed Lady from El Paso,
Said I loved her too hard,
she had no room to grow.
That's when she said "good-bye"
That's when she said "dont cry"
That's the first verse from the first song I wrote. I'm not sure if I'm talking about Bruce or me in that lyric.I had fallen in love with Bev that night. I think it was the bottle of Ripple, plus the laughter, plus the green eyes. I was smitten. I abandoned my plans to leave, got a job in Denton. Bev and I hung out every night, went to Dallas on the weekends. Snuck into a James Taylor concert at SMU, then went to a disco aftwards. I asked the DJ to play Green Eyed Lady. She bought me a Conan the Barbarian comic, I bought her Red Sonja. It seemed like we were perfectly matched.
Somewhere in those few weeks together she started seeing Bruce again, just to talk she said. We would still go out together. One day we were headed to the lake, She saw Bruce on the street and ducked so he wouldn't see her. I think he did though. I know he recognized my bright yellow and black Gremlin. At the lake we laughed and played in the water. Everthing in the world was perfect.
That's when she said "good-bye"
That's when she said "dont cry"
I chased her around Denton for a few weeks, stalking her I guess. I just wanted to talk. She moved back in with Bruce. I still don't understand why. We never talked again. I heard she moved but no one knew where, I stayed in Denton for a year got a job running the lights at Texas Women's University. Finally headed back to LA with a plan. Sometimes it takes awhile, but I eventually get there.
I love happy endings, I've seen so few of them.
That was thirty some years ago, disco is dead, I've been married twice. I have four fine children and now my first grandchild. I am content, even happy most of the time. But I can't stop the what ifs. And of course Every time I hear the song a tear falls slowly down my cheek.
Strolling slowly towards the sun
Green eyed lady ocean lady
Soothing every little wave that comesGreen eyed lady, passion's lady
dressed in love she lives for life to beGreen eyed lady feels like I never see
setting suns and lonely lovers free Do,do,dododo do.Little Beaver If you're out there and see this let me know.
And I spent 5 years teaching alcohol and substance abuse prevention for Sailors.
Heartbrake is a little like broken bones. You're never the same, and the pain still comes to the surface at unexpected times.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I should learn to spell... Freudian slip?
ReplyDeleteIts an appropriate word, so is your metaphor. As I am learning the past stays with us in many ways, physically, mentally emotionally and spiritually. Thanks.
ReplyDeletehow do we keep from putting the brakes on our heart, after a bad break? how do we keep the past from warping the present beyond all recognition, or stunting the future?
ReplyDeletei feel a blog coming on.
That's such a profound question, Standing. I have a nice short flip answer. Your question deserves better. I hope to see your answer.
ReplyDeleteJust to follow on to your question SOMH, perhaps the answer lies along the lines of your blog post on 12/18. One foot in front of the other.
ReplyDeleteuh, tag, and everyone else, i was looking to you all for answers-or at least a little help!
ReplyDeleteO' help, I see. I tend to mope, beat myself up and withdraw from friends and family. I like to bleed in private. I've learned though that I have to get out and interact with others, to become more of an extrovert than my normal introversion. I do this by volunteering with folks like special olympics, or cerebral palsy. There are no pat answers to the question. If it was easy you wouldn't have asked.
ReplyDeleteTime heals, but not quickly enough and as badger said the hurts still come back to haunt us.
"pick yourself up, brush yourself off and start all over again." was the short flip answer. it applies, but how I do that when I can't seem to drag myself out of bed.
But you already know this. I'd still like to heare your thoughts on the questions you asked.
for me, and i said similar on my comment on my post, the issue that requires the most attention is not dragging the past in, around and through every subsequent relationship. how? on an ongoing basis, scrupulously look for patterns of behavior that sabotage, assumptions that are faulty, tendencies to prefer oblivion, and weed them out. we have to look unflinchingly at ourselves, and be committed to seeing whatever we see. this is not for the faint of heart!
ReplyDeleteAs you say it is not for the faint of heart. But realizing that the past is, just that, past. Here one moment than gone. But also understanding that we can only escape our past to a certain extent. There are behaviors that we adopted for very good reasons, that stood us in good stead yesterday and perhaps again tomorrow. We don't have to be like Pavlov's dogs though. Wwe can choose in the moment if a feeling or behavior is appropriate for that moment at hand and adjust accordingly to some extent.
ReplyDelete