NEWS OF THE DAY

MUMMIES THREATEN. US AND BRITAIN EMBASSIES CLOSED

Friday morning, Brendan Fraser US Ambassador to Yemen ordered the closing of the embassy citing unspecified threats from a group of mummies chanting "George, George, George of the jungle, friend to you and me". Ambassador Fraser well known for his dealings with mummy incursions in the last decade commented: "George of the Jungle is a cartoon. He's a guy who swings around on a vine all day. Are you not buying that?"

BIGFOOT ATTACKS: TOKYO IN TROUBLE AGAIN!

Chigasaki, Japan Three footprints perhaps belonging to the legendary Bigfoot monster showed up on the beach near Chigasaki, southwest of Tokyo. American Cryptozoologist Norman Oklahoma said in an interview on site. "Three days ago there was nothing to indicate that bigfoot could be found anywhere in Japan now we're not so sure" Oklahoma went on tho say that the prints obviously did not belong to Gojira, hero of many popular Japanese documentaries. Gojira or Godzilla as he better known outside of Japan has destroyed Tokyo on numerous occasions, but more recently has taken to defending the city against such monsters as King Kong and Megalon. Eijii Terui spokesman for the City of Tokyo stated in a press release that citizens of Tokyo will stand with Godzilla to defend their city from another American imperialist threat. "This will not Stand!" says Terui-san in this emotional interview.

BUSH SET TO RUN AGAIN IN 2012

Crawford, Tx " I kind of miss that Umm-- whatcha call it--Oval Office." said former President George W. Bush in a surprise announcement on his candidacy for the presidency of the United States in 2012. Going on to quote himself Bush said ""Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change --I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect." When asked about the 22nd Amendment to the US Constitution prohibiting more than two terms in office president Bush said with his usual eloquence "We had the Supreme's in our pocket in 2000, we can put them back in -- umm--the closet after 2012".